Two Questions That Could Change Your (Sex) Life

Just like money, our time and energy are finite resources. Recognizing that we must budget our time and energy is a lesson I have struggled to learn over the years, but it is a lesson that has changed my life.

If you are like me, it may be your first instinct to say yes to everything and everyone without a second thought. I said yes to every social gathering, every fundraiser, every conference and once I said ‘yes’ I stuck to my word, no matter how tired I was.

After years of 'yes'-ing, I felt exhausted. Every time I would say ‘yes’ to another commitment, I felt a knot tighten in my stomach but I didn't really think there was another way, "I have to see everyone and do all the things because I said I would, right?!?"

I see many of my clients who have pain during sex struggle with over 'yes'-ing as well. Although pelvic pain is multifactorial and complex, one key component to relieving the pain can be to start saying ‘no.’

Marcia* (35) came to me last year hoping to relieve her pain with sex. She had been struggling with this pain for 2 years and had noticed her pain seemed to get worse every time her stress at work ramped up.

“I know my work is contributing to my stress, but I don't know what to do," she told me with tears in her eyes. "There are certain things I need to do, if I don't do them, they just won't get done.”

Marcia explained that she worked long hours and her job had strict deadlines that she always seemed to be killing herself to meet. She came home drained every day with knots in her shoulders and sexual pain that kept getting worse, she felt frustrated and hopeless.

"When I get home, I'm too tired to even think about sex and when I do have sex, it hurts. It's gotten to the point where I will do pretty much anything to avoid any intimacy with my husband because I’m afraid it will lead to sex. Our marriage is suffering and I’m scared [that] I’m broken."

I told Marcia she was not alone, 75% of women will at some point in their life experience sexual pain but just because it is common, does not mean that you need to accept it. There is hope, I have spent the last few years helping women get back to having sex without pain and without fear.  

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I explained to Marcia that every day we wake up with a certain amount of energy. I asked her to imagine her energy for the day as water in a bucket. The more water in the bucket, the more energy we have. Most things we do throughout the day take water out of the bucket, some things that are particularly draining, like a stressful meeting at work, take a lot of water out of the bucket.

What Marcia struggled to realize was with every work-related ‘yes’ she said, she was emptying her bucket. At the end of the day, she had no water left in the bucket to spend on the things that really mattered to her. Every ‘yes’ was actually a ‘no’ - ‘no’ to exercising, ‘no’ cooking a healthy meal and ‘no’ to having sex with her husband.

Many of us push ourselves to continue even when our bucket is empty. Our bodies have a way of telling us when this happens. This could be a knot in your stomach when you agree to cover someone's shift at work, sore shoulders after a long day, or even pain with sex. The more you try to push through and ignore your body, the louder your body will talk to you. Think of your body as a child tugging on your shirt trying to get your attention, the longer you try to ignore them, the harder they pull and the louder they get.

In addition to the relaxation and stretching techniques Marcia was doing, I asked her to stop and ask herself two powerful questions the next time she wanted to say ‘yes’:

1. "If I say yes to this, what will I have to say no to?"

2. "How does this decision feel in my body?"

After practicing this for 3 weeks, Marcia told me, “I feel so much lighter, it’s such a relief to say no. It’s amazing, I actually do have a little more energy at the end of my day.”

Something else happened, Marcia’s pain started to decrease and eventually fade completely. She listened to what her body told her. If she was tired she took a break, she was thoughtful about how she used the water in her bucket, and before making a decision she sat with it and identified how it made her feel.

So, the next time you have an opportunity to say yes, take a moment to ask yourself these two questions. Comment below to let me know if your answer changes!

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*Marcia’s name has been changed to protect her identity. Marcia has given permission to share her story in the hopes that it would help other women struggling with painful sex.

1. When Sex is Painful. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists: FAQ020; 2017.